~i hate surprises~

Dear You,

You always knew how to surprise me. With gifts, with kisses, with love. With loneliness, isolation, with betrayal. Every time I think I know what I can expect from you, you exceed my expectations. I used to never think you could possibly love me more. Now I know that you can always find new ways to let my heart bleed a slow and painful death. But how could I not have seen all the demons you sent my way. How could I be so oblivious as to think that the Devil in a tux could open doors for me? Stars in your eyes don’t mean the truth, and safety in your touch doesn’t mean trust. You’re more than a drug, more than a poison. You were a god to me. I was on my knees begging for you; praying that you’d reign your love all over me. I was dependent on your lips telling me that Heaven was no match for our eternity. I needed you in the way a sinner needs God to be saved. But you didn’t save me. Instead, you drown me, not in your love, but in mine. I gave you everything but you waved it back and my love came overflowing on my shore when it was only supposed to kiss yours. I couldn’t breathe in contaminated waters. You could have been decent enough to send me back clean.

The crazy thing is, I want so badly to see the truth of what you do to me, but I only remember dark nights with gentle words, foggy windows and little pictures, happy smiles and lies about forevers. And I know if you only put in half the effort I deserve, I would jump in your arms knowing you won’t catch me. But I don’t mind falling as long as I’m falling for you.

From,

Me